She · had · abandoned · herself · to · fate...

"Emotions, in my experience, aren't covered by single words. I don't believe in "sadness," "joy," or "regret." Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, "the happiness that attends disaster." Or: "the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy." I'd like to show how "intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members" connects with "the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age."

-Jeffrey Eugenides

I'm totally prepared to spend Valentines day alone in 2 weeks.

If I'm not lucky enough to have been scheduled to work...I intend to curl up with Mister Pizza and watch my favorite Valentine's Day movie ever: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And cry. Lots of crying.

Please schedule me to work!

I'm praying to every God there is that my Grandma pulls through.

She's all the family I have. She's both a Mother and a Father to me. I want her to attend my wedding. Babysit my first child. I want her to witness me rising above all of my live's greatest struggles.

It just isn't time yet. I still need you.

Oh and Grandma is going in for surgery Wednesday.

It really forces me to think..what I would do if anything terrible ever happened to her? She's all of the family I really have. I would be devastated.

I am really disappointed in certain friends.

New place, new life...!

I would think that would call for a phone call and/or visit, dinner date, etc. Something to help pass the hours of an ill heart.

Sometimes people are just too immersed in their own happiness, to humble themselves and make time for others. We've all been that person. I've done it too. When I was happy.......was I happy? I think I was happy.

But, it sucks to be on the other end, alone and scared. And when you need me...the way I needed you...

I hate this.
I miss him so much. I love him.I fucking love him.

Love.
Love is never enough. Poetry, cinema, and literature has warped my mind into thinking that it could possible be enough...
But, it never is. Not really.

I'm moving out September 1st to a place on Abbotsford (Off of Forest, near Elmwood). I'm absolutely terrified to: A) Live alone, B) Apply to Pano's down the street, and C) Emotionally distance myself from Matthew.

I'm rearranging my life.
And I'm really fucking terrified.

Can someone just find me a studio apartment...in a semi-decent neighborhood, that allows cats, has laundry hook-ups, off-street parking, and is around 500 or less including utilities?

PLEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSE!?!?!?!

Too little? Too late?

I'm pretty sure i'm going to find an apartment in Buffalo... And figure out who I am...and where exactly I want to be.

My dad is in the hospital. They thought he had a stroke...but, he has had like eleven of these same episodes where his arm curls up and his left side goes numb. Now they're saying they are more like seizures. He is at Mercy hospital...which is a TERRIBLE hospital. It has been 4 days and they have still made absolutely no diagnosis.
I'm terrified.